Charity Never Faileth

Sometimes the mind is like a forest. There are beautiful spots, and dark spots. Sometimes we enjoy everything we see, other times we are terrified, lost and don’t know where to turn. It’s really hard for me to really understand what Jared must be feeling. I try but there are parts of his forest I have not experienced. Sometimes he is wise and strong.

Every so often it’s like he’s a stranger, full of anger and fear. He’s human, still learning. Sometimes he says hurtful comments. Sometimes he says lots of hurtful comments. I must admit, I am human too, and learning. Jared starts hurling his hurtful comments at the speed of a machine gun. Last night I was so wounded! I thought to myself, I refuse to stay here and be hurt. Wow! What a shock to all the sudden realize he doesn’t really want to start a war against me. It’s more like he’s in the dark scary forest, and he has no idea who or what is waiting for him. All he knows is he is alone and doesn’t know how much the next treatment may hurt, or how sick he will be, or if it will kill him. It is so difficult when you are watching someone you love goes through this, and you can’t be in the forest.

You cannot truly experience every pain, every scary bit of info about your body. You can’t understand having no privacy. The fear of what new info will they get from all those test. What it feels like to know what it is like to stare at death, and know he could take you any time.

port

For example: the tape around the port in his chest came loose. As the nurse changed it she said, “This can be very serious, it could kill you. If you get a staff infection around this port, it would go directly into you heart. It would kill you. I have seen it kill people." You try to understand, but there is no way. We stand outside the forest listening, waiting, watching, but not really knowing what our loved one is going through.

Today the doctor explained, “The first day we hydrate you. Then the next day we give you another type of chemo IV for 24 hrs. Then we give you an antidote for the chemo. We wait another 24 hours run labs to make sure it’s leaving your body. It is so serious we need you right here at the hospital to make sure there are no problems." Our loved ones attack their enemy hiding in the darkness, but we are the one that gets the wounded. It’s us, the one’s that love them the most. As the pain shoots into our heart, for a minute the pain is so great we lose sight of our loved one. We forget that they are so scared they didn’t mean to attack us. We are really the one they know will stay and fight by their side.

I was so hurt as his unkind words tore apart my heart, and I lost my sight! Then a voice whispered, “Stop! He needs you! He’s scared! Put him before your feelings! He doesn’t mean to hurt you! He is shooting at the darkness, and he didn’t mean to hit you”. What is true love? Sometimes it’s forgetting our pain, and understanding their pain. So it’s so hard to know when to demand respect, and when it’s time to understand. The mind can be a scary place; we do our best to understand. However sometimes charity becomes the best teacher. So much can be learned for the moment the Savior raised he eyes upward and said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do." I hadn’t ever realized his great example might be for me to see past my son’s hurtful comments, and instead see his anger, his pain, and his fear. The mind is like a forest with beauty, and darkness. With so much to learn about it, it cannot be done in a lifetime, but in an eternity.