Sleepless Nights

Do you ever lay in bed listening to the silence, while you wish your thoughts would be quiet so you could sleep. It just seems like sometimes you want to figure out what you can do to help someone you love. Your brain starts, and no matter how hard you try it will not let you sleep. So badly I just want Jared to be able to smile, but I forget it’s more than just a smile! It has to do with drinking through a straw, so your drink won’t leek down your shirt. It’s putting your hand on your mouth, so food won’t fall out of your mouth. He doesn’t talk a lot about that part of his face paralyses. He doesn’t complain a lot about not wanting to eat in public. Last night it wasn’t a complaint. He just made a comment.

He didn’t seem upset. However as I lay in bed, and his words fill my whole brain so nothing else could fit in. As the mom, my mind starts trying to find a solution. It goes from maybe next fast Sunday we could all fast, to who he could talk to that would help him find comfort. I tried reading and working on the computer. But his quiet words keep yelling in my mind.

I prepare a speech to comfort his heart, but there are no words to heal his breaking heart. He seems so strong, but I wonder what is really filling his mind. If I can’t stop my brain, how can I stop his? I remember times I’ve called someone, anyone, just so the thoughts would stop. I think about the times he says, “You don’t know what I’m going through!” And all I can think is, “You don’t know what I am going through. You don’t know how I wish I could carry your burden, and give you rest!” I know he must wonder what it would be like to live with this nerve damage for the rest of his life, if it doesn’t get better.

That’s a lot for a teenage boy to have to think about. There are his little comments about going out in public, and girls. In my mind I try to think what I can do. It all goes back to that most difficult verb, “FAITH”. Turning it over to the Heavenly Father. That’s hard enough to do when it just involves me. However the question now becomes, ”If I have faith Heavenly Father knows what is best, how will that help Jared?” I may have a testimony that I know the out come of his paralysis is in God hands, and it will be for his own good. Can I ask my son to be strong, when I have never had to carry this burden? The hours of my sleepless night have turned into a dusky morning. I will get up and prepare to take Jared to spend a long day at the hospital. The question now becomes, can I possible find the right words to heal my son’s aching heart. Do I sit in silence, while the words are yelling in my mind? I can only pray that Heavenly Father will guide me what to say, and prepare Jared’s heart for his message. “God give me the faith to listen for your guidance, for without you I will never find the words that will comfort and give hope!”